Slowing down and digging in

I am being forced to slow down, I have pulled away from most things in my life, and I am physically moving slower. I had back surgery a month ago to repair a disc that herniated 25 years ago at the age of 18. The disc herniated in my L4 for those familiar with the spine, and recently it had gotten worse so I finally broke down and had surgery. Finding the faith and the hope to succumb to surgery was heavy for me, I had to let go and trust that someone else would come from their heart center and help me. I resisted this operation for 25 years but in that time I was taken on a journey of self discovery. I learned how to hear my inner voice and I am truly beginning to trust that voice. I have taken all kinds of classes, tried all kinds of healing modalities, I have been in and out of every kind of therapy that I could find to help me, I read books upon book upon books, I became a life coach, an energy worker, a clairvoyant healer, a Reiki practitioner, I became full of knowledge and wisdom. I cannot complain about the path that the pain took me down, it has truly been an amazing teacher, but I am ready to move into the next aspect of the human form and no longer use pain as my tool for growth and expansion. I am cutting the cords with the old paradigm of a painful ascent towards expansion, and I am moving into the flow of life where the evolutionary path is with good health and well being, a pain free path.

I became very aware of my Chakra’s prior to my surgery. A crystal song bowl in E was played daily for me and it brought me incredible relief from my pain. E is for the solar plexus region of our body. The sound vibration was so intense and so strong it healed me on so many levels. With this experience in mind it shocked me to consider that my sacral chakra had literaly been blocked for 25 years. This is my L4 region within my body that was literally being pinched by a herniated disc. This is also the center of my emotions, appetite, sexual energies, female goddess power, relationships, such a sacred space within my body. It holds my reproductive organs and creates life from that space and it has been blocked, all through my 20’s, my marriage, my pregnancies, more of my life than I had lived with it unblocked. Now having that space open I feel like an energy surge has passed through my body, I feel connected, together, whole, energizing, full of excitment and joy, I want to take on the world, I want to change who I am, I want to heal myself and heal others as a result, I want to share with the world about what else is out there, I want to help people wake up and go through the shift with seamless ease, I want to show people the path of least resistance and I am on fire when I am doing it, I feel exhilarated and alive!

But I digress to my space of being forced to sit, of slowing down and sitting still, walking slow, listening to the birds chirp and the wind blow through the palms with an occasional F bomb ringing in from the golf course outside my bedroom window, to see the ocean daily and sit on a my patio to enjoy the view of the water and the mountains. Really how bad did I think I had it? I don’t know because I wasn’t consciously connected enough to percieve that concept. I am only now just healing on a daily basis, finding more strength in my step and standing taller than ever before, I feel a glow about me but I tire easily and I need to continue to respect my bodies need to let go and rest. With time all things will heal and I will too. So for now I sit in solitude most of my day, I move slowly to get to my chores and I have experienced an overall slowing of life, what was I in such a hurry for? What was I running too? Better yet, what was I running from? My thoughts, my feelings, my surpressed emotions, my shadow, that is who and what I was running from. Sitting now with my shadow has taken me to a deeper place than I have ever gone, I thought I had danced with my shadow and learned all that I could, but now I know that I have not even touched the surface.

Yesterday I danced with the shadow of my gallbladder. My gallbladder has hurt for years and given me all kinds of issues. My first indication was that my heels were always cracked. I had a holistic chiropractor point this out to me, and she had me treat it with A-F Beta food supplements but I was just treating the symptom. The core of the problem was coming from my gallbaldder and it was just displaying itself on my heels. I have also recently realized that our lower back region is represented by the heels in Chinese medicine, this too is very fitting and truthful for me as I suffered for 25 years with a herniated disc in my lower back. Another aspect that I have learned about the Gallbladder is that it holds our resentments. I cannot even begin to tell you how deep I have tried to dig into my resentments with other people in my life, I have burned contracts, written new ones, done Gallbladder cleanses, changed my diet, introduced supplements, anything that would help me get into my gallbladder and understand what the resentments are that I am holding. Well, for some reason this answer was connected to my sacral chakra because once the pinched disc was removed from the nerve I begin to integrate my body back together and my consciouness took a huge leap.

Every organ in our body vibrates at its own frequency. Each emotion that we have vibrates at its own frequency. Every thought is a frequency, everything is a frequency. Resentment is on the same vibrational frequency in the shadow as the Gallbladder. It has taken me 8 years, or should I say 42 years to come to the realization that the resentment that I am holding in my gallbladder is not for anyone else in my life, but for me. I resent myself so intensly, there are pieces of myself that disgust me, that horrify me, that are unforgiveable. I feel the most resentment for my 14 year old to 18 year old. I have been standing in the shadow unleashing my resentment on my inner 14 year old now for 2 days, it is incredibly intense. My jaw is so heavy that I feel like I can barely hold it up. I have been screaming at every opportunity available to me just to release the energy that I am holding in my jaw. It seems to be helping, clearly there is much to come out and I am just diving into my core, I cannot imagine what else is going to come out. It simply makes me want to cry and release all of my sorrow for this poor child whom I have held hostage now for 25 years. My resentment for my inner child resulted in the herniation of my disc into my spinal column cutting off my sacral chakra. I had so damaged this piece of myself during this time in my life that it literaly shut down, stopped spinning, disengaged. It is almost unbearable to see it all within me. Why wasn’t I able to see any of this before? Why did my drama’s have to be so difficult? Can’t I learn with less pain and suffering now? I have a milion more questions now than I had before, but I am on my journey and it continues to twist and turn. I stand in gratitude today for the lessons I have learned from my back, heels, gallbladder and resentment. Had I not been forced to sit and reflect I may have missed these life changing shifts that are happening on grand scales. So I continue to sit and to be quiet, I continue to heal and to evolve and I know that my journey has only just begun.