This time the rabbit hole came in the middle of the night
I don't always know which way I am going to be pulled, or where my next rabbit hole might appear but last night it came to me in my dreams. I have to tie this blog directly to my first one in that I pulled forth my fears and splattered them all of the page in that writing. It feels linked in that I brought them into my consicousness and allowed them to have space within me and on the page. What a deep healing release this writing is becoming for me. I don't even care if anyone ever reads my words, it seems that simply putting them out there is what is required of me
I had trouble getting to sleep last night. I am in denial that I need back surgery and so I am fortunate (apply sarcasm) to be able to experience excruciating pain during the night. I say fortunate because I had slipped into the mind set of surgery denial once again yesterday, thinking that my temporary relief was life changing and that I really didn't need to move forward with my path. Ha ha ha. I tossed and turned considerably more than normal which woke me more than I am used to during the night. My first memory of dreaming was me being chased by a man who was trying to get into my home. I called 911 for help, and then later in another dream segment the man was in my home and I called 911 again, this time just screaming in agony over the phone line. Both times I was rescued and both times I survived the ordeal. As the night went on I rolled into another frame with animals. I was surrounded by animals but there this was this black mangy looking wolf that was attacking me, I kept trying to escape from him, fend myself off from him, run from him, he was very scary and I was visibly frightened. I was able to ward him off but he kept coming back, at some point I simply reached out with love and embraced this terrifying wolf and he turned into the cutest little snuggly puppy dog who just needed to be loved. All he was seeking was love but he did not know how to express his needs. The puppy just melted into my arms and brought forth memories from the movie RISEN, which I had just seen that night. LOVE, it is only and all about LOVE.
I woke at a start at 6:15, I was exhausted and I had just gone through the wolf to puppy saga. My mind was foggy and I just stumbled out of bed. The pain shooting down my right leg was intense and my thoughts quickly became consumed with the physical sensations of pain shooting through my body. I forgot the dream and moved on with my morning routine to get the kids out the door and off to school. Once I was able to sit with my dreams it has unfolded that the fears are mine, the dark wolf, the scary intruder, they are all pieces of me and the fear that resides within me. Seeing that I simply need to embrace all aspects of myself and hold space for myself has been very enlightening. My fears have been amped up recently with the idea of back surgery on the horizon. I have held out for 25 years on my back, I was first told that I needed surgery in 1991, now it is 2016. I have been so scared of surgery I have never even allowed for it to be in my consciousness, I have walked with the pain for so very long now and I am exhausted and simply want to put it down. My heart is taking a toll from the extreme pain, my blood pressure readings have been incredibly high and this spot on my nose keeps showing up - in Chinese medicine it represents the heart channel, but I have digressed.
I have begun having glass song bowl treatments along with chakra clearings almost daily. The relief I have received is increidble. During my first experience with the song bowl I was transported off of the table to a lifetime as a nordic woman. I saw myself running for my life through the woods, I could see the snow and the pine trees all around me, I was being chased by what looked like a bear. The bear caught me and morphed into a viking warrior who snapped me in half over his leg, my back was broken and I was broken. The vision and experience was so intenese I knew that it held true significance and awakening. My perspective on my current back situation quickly shifted to one of gratitude for not having to experience the completely broken back again in this lifetime. My healer pulled out the wounding and the life experience and my body quivered throughout as the release took place from within me.
Myabe this rabbit hole of fear isn't so bad, maybe on the other end of it I will find a deep needed release of the fear and some much needed healing on the other end of that release.